Extract from The Lazy Sod's Guide to Pulling

Infallible chat-up lines

Chat-up lines go in and out of fashion. But for Lazy Sods, a well rehearsed sleazy-quip sure beats the hell out of thinking or trying to be spontaneous. But you need to make them sound like they’re not worn-out old clichés, so try them out on a mate until you can say them with feeling and conviction.

 Here are the top lines to reach a woman’s heart:

 * Heaven seems to be missing an angel – did you kidnap the wee cunt?

* I’m not in the mood for sex. Would it be okay if I licked engine oil off your tits instead?

* When I masturbate I think about you wearing my grannie’s undies.

* Are you pissed enough to like me yet?

* Mmmm, you’re a nice one - wanna go halves on a little bastard?

* What’s your Zodiac Sign – mine is Beelzebub, the Slayer of Virgins.

* Hi sweety, my boyfriend’s just dumped me so I’m thinking of going straight.

* Are any of your friends less hideous looking than you?

* Are you menstruating?

Extracts from No' Rabbie Burns

A Gay's a Man for A' That

Is there for honest policy

That hings its head, an a' that?

The coward politician, we pass him by -

We dare be queer for a' that!

For a' that, an a' that!

Our ways obscure, an a' that,

Marriage is but the guinea's stamp,

The gay's the gowd for a' that.

What though on ‘homo’ fare we dine,

Wear shocking pink, an a' that?

Gie fools their thrills, and knaves their wives -

A gay's a man for a' that.

For a' that, an a' that,

Their tinsel show, an a' that,

The honest gay, tho’ e'er sae queer,

Is queen o’ men for a' that.

Then let us pray that come it may

(As come it will for a' that),

That Liberty and Charity o'er a' the earth,

Shall bear the gree an a' that.

For a' that, an a' that,

It's coming yet for a' that,

That gay to gay, the world, o'er

Shall brithers be for a' that.