Extract from The Lazy Sod's Guide to Pulling

How to Pull

Let’s get one fact straight – it’s possible to Pull any woman. That’s right any woman!!  (With the possibly exceptions of your mum and gran.) For although, as we’ve established, only 23 out of 2,802,224,175 woman will actually find you attractive, it’s still possible to Pull them. All that’s needed are the right circumstances and the right techniques. Most guys fail to Pull because they don’t take into account important factors such as the social standing of the Target.  This is how it’s done:

The Down and Out

Find them: Lying comatose at any large railway station.

About them: Low self esteem. Low expectations. High on cheap wine.

Technique: As an opener, buy a year’s subscription to the “Big Issue” from her. Offer her a share of your fish supper and a swig of your methadone. That’s it – you’ve Pulled.

Caution: It can take around 10 days for sexually transmitted diseases to show.

The Non-Working Class

Find them: On the border of their ASBO exclusion zones.

About them: Often classed as Chavs, Neds or Sluts. It is easy to identify one - her belly-button ring will be visible below her skirt hemline. Answers to the names Siobhan, Paris, Shannon and Hey-ya-mental-muppet.

Technique: This type of shag-muffin is very discerning and only has sex with guys who have a criminal record for GBH. You will thus need to learn some of their lingo (read ‘Chav Speak’ and ‘Ned Speak’ by Lee Bok). For openers try this, “Ya phuckin’ beazer - Ah’ve jist goat ma soci-benefit. Let’s crack open some phuckin’ Bucky then find a bus shelter for a phuckin’ shag."

Caution: Although she’s shagging six guys a day, it’s you that’ll be the subject of the paternity suit.

Extracts from No' Rabbie Burns

A Gay's a Man for A' That

Is there for honest policy

That hings its head, an a' that?

The coward politician, we pass him by -

We dare be queer for a' that!

For a' that, an a' that!

Our ways obscure, an a' that,

Marriage is but the guinea's stamp,

The gay's the gowd for a' that.

What though on ‘homo’ fare we dine,

Wear shocking pink, an a' that?

Gie fools their thrills, and knaves their wives -

A gay's a man for a' that.

For a' that, an a' that,

Their tinsel show, an a' that,

The honest gay, tho’ e'er sae queer,

Is queen o’ men for a' that.

Then let us pray that come it may

(As come it will for a' that),

That Liberty and Charity o'er a' the earth,

Shall bear the gree an a' that.

For a' that, an a' that,

It's coming yet for a' that,

That gay to gay, the world, o'er

Shall brithers be for a' that.