Extract from The Lazy Sod's Guide to Pulling

Why Pull?

What is the motivation for a guy to give up an evening to go on The Pull? After all this is valuable time he could use to sort his stamp collection into chronological order or dye his belly-button fluff green. If it were purely sexual desire, would he not save time and money and have more fun just masturbating over his Razzle collection? I had to find the answer! So I carried out an in-depth survey of men across the length and breadth of the country. This revealed some wildly diverse reasons for going on The Pull:

1) There was bugger-all on the telly.

2) I was totally pissed.

3) My mates dared me.

4) I was looking for adventure but was too lazy to climb Everest.

5) My mum wants me to have a girlfriend.

6) I’m a sad, lonely looser looking for company.

7) I am from Planet Zorcon – we must interbreed to take over your world.

8) I don’t have a stamp collection to sort into chronological order.

Extracts from To a Pretty Average Father

THE FIVE WORST FATHERS OF ALL TIME (ALLEGEDLY!!)

Marvin Gay, Sr.
: Marvin had three children, one being the legendary soul-R&B singer Marvin Gay(e) who’s best known songs include "I Heard It Through The Grapevine".
Gay, Sr.., was a minister in the House of God, a conservative Christian sect. He was a great lover of vodka and a zealous cross-dresser. Despite his own bizarre behaviour he imposed strict codes of conduct on his children. In fact, throughout Marvin Jr.’s childhood, his father beat him on an almost daily basis.
Marvin Sr.. resented his son’s fame but was happy to live off his fortune. The relationship between the two became increasingly turbulent, as Marvin Jr. spiralled deeper into drug-induced depressions.
During a heated argument, on April Fool's Day, 1984, (the day before Marvin Jr.'s 45th birthday) Marvin Sr. shot his son twice in the chest with a gun his son had bought him. Within hours Marvin Jr. was dead. In prison, Marvin was asked if he loved his son. He replied, "Let's say that I didn't dislike him."

Polar Bears
: The truth of the matter is that polar bears are just not cut out for the life of fatherhood and they make no attempt at trying. A male will bugger- off immediately after mating (without even giving his phone number) leaving the female to find a council house, claim social security and bring up all the cubs on her own. If that wasn’t bad enough, if he has trouble finding enough seals to duff- up and eat he’ll arrive home, giving some lame excuse about having been on a business trip for the past six months and, when mummy isn’t looking, he’ll devour his little darlings. To be fair to the poor lad, he has to live in sub-zero conditions on a diet of seal blubber so you have to feel some sympathy for him!