Extract from The Lazy Sod's Guide to Pulling

What are girls looking for?

Most men make the mistake of thinking that the Pulling Game is one sided and men are the only hunters. This is far from true – women have their fantasies and desires too – but a woman wants her prince charming to sweep her off her feet and whisk her away to his fairy-tale castle where they’ll live happily-ever-after. Which is sad really as most men are looking for a no-commitment shag in his semi-derelict flat. So, when women go man-hunting what are they after? My survey came up with a few surprises:

1) He must be; respectful, sensitive, compassionate, romantic, generous, devoted – and well hung.

2) His monthly income must exceed my monthly expenditure.

3) He must be able to make me laugh – with him, not at him.

4) He must wear blue tights, a red cape and be faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

5) He should know how to do the washing, ironing, vacuuming, cooking, gardening . . .

Extracts from No' Rabbie Burns

A Gay's a Man for A' That

Is there for honest policy

That hings its head, an a' that?

The coward politician, we pass him by -

We dare be queer for a' that!

For a' that, an a' that!

Our ways obscure, an a' that,

Marriage is but the guinea's stamp,

The gay's the gowd for a' that.

What though on ‘homo’ fare we dine,

Wear shocking pink, an a' that?

Gie fools their thrills, and knaves their wives -

A gay's a man for a' that.

For a' that, an a' that,

Their tinsel show, an a' that,

The honest gay, tho’ e'er sae queer,

Is queen o’ men for a' that.

Then let us pray that come it may

(As come it will for a' that),

That Liberty and Charity o'er a' the earth,

Shall bear the gree an a' that.

For a' that, an a' that,

It's coming yet for a' that,

That gay to gay, the world, o'er

Shall brithers be for a' that.